Breathe...just breathe.

So it's March 23rd! The day we take home our precious son! We have been waiting for this day for SO long. It's finally here. Woah.

So that morning before Zaden's birthmom, T signs the papers relinquishing her rights, we have an entrustment ceremony in the chapel at the hospital. It was beautiful. For those who don't know what an entrustment ceremony is, it's a ceremony where the birth family gives the baby to the adoptive family. Beautiful, emotional, symbolic. Normally it happens AFTER the birth mother has relinquished her rights...but the hospital we were at doesn't allow adoption paper work to be signed on the hospital property. So T actually had to be discharged and we had to go to the agency to sign the all the paperwork. A little nerve wracking and inconvenient...but we made it work.

So after the ceremony, we drive over to the agency to sign the paperwork. I don't think that I took a breath the whole way there. Because when I got out of the car I felt weak and let out a huge breath. I have got to remember to breathe. I don't want to pass out! Gosh, I was so nervous. I mean T could still back out. I knew deep down that she wouldn't, but nothing is 100% until those papers are signed. So we walk into the agency and my legs are feeling like noodles I am so nervous. They told us that we would sign in separate rooms. That kind of freaked me out b/c I was thinking that the baby would go with her because technically he isn't ours yet and she was going to look at him and change her mind. I mean I wouldn't blame her. It's not the easiest thing to do. T was so brave and so strong. I admire her for that. But much to my relief, Zaden got to be with us! Which duh...that makes sense. I don't know why I even worried about that. But heck I was worrying and panicking all week long. I'm not gonna lie, it wasn't my best week. I was a total basket case. At one point I was up for 48 hours straight and I forgot to bring shoes! So the only shoes I had were the shoes I wore up to the hospital and let me tell you they didn't go with a single outfit I brought. Not good...not good at all. LOL! I can't even begin to try and describe all the emotion I was feeling so I am not, but I can tell you anxiety was at the top of my emotions. I mean I know that I wasn't the one pregnant...but my hormones most definitely were. Haha! OK, so back to the signing. Wow. We were carrying our son into the room. It was overwhelming. It was such a weird position to be in. Bittersweet I guess you could say. Bitter because T is having to make the hardest decision of her life. Her greatest pain is my greatest joy. Sweet because I was finally becoming a mother. About 30 minutes went by (longest freaking 30 minutes of my life I might add, I kept checking the clock and the clock was totally irritating me! Only moving a second at a time and all.) the caseworker came into our room and said "she signed...now it's your turn." I can't really explain the relief I felt when I heard that she had signed. Once again I believe that I forgot to breathe in there because I let out this huge sigh and I felt the blood flow through my body again. It's amazing how much better you feel when you breathe. I could see my skin start to pink back up...that's a good sign. So we sign the papers. No wonder it took T 30 minutes to sign. This was a LOT of paper work and we had to sign 3 copies of everything. My hand was about to fall off. I'm pretty sure my left wrist stayed bent for a week.
AND WE ARE DONE! Zaden is ours! He is really ours!! Another huge sigh of relief (mostly because once again I wasn't breathing). I have really got to stop holding my breath when I am nervous, it can't be good for you.

So it's time to go. It's time to load Zaden up in his car seat and put him in the car to go home. So we put him in the car and close the door. Holy crap things just got real. Another dramatic moment for me b/c I'm a nut case and start panicking. All inside my head of course. I can't let anyone see me falling apart here. I have to pretend like I know exactly what I am doing. But inside I am freaking the frick out. So this is what is going on in my head: "What are we supposed to do with him? How do we get him home? We have to drive him ourselves? Where are the nurses? What if he cries on the way home! Or poops! WHERES THE MANUAL?!? SOMEBODY GET THE MANUAL! AAAAHHHHHH! Calm your self down woman! He's a baby not an alien. You will be just fine. Just breathe! Why do I keep forgetting to do that?" Those are the irrational thoughts that went through my head in the 2.5 seconds it took me to close the back door and get in the passenger side. I mean I was really dramatic all in my head for a second. I tend to do that. It's a flaw, one of many. Hey, I'm working on it.

So I calm myself down with a little pep talk and off we go! I don't think we even make it out of the parking lot before I start using my imaginary brake. No one warned me how scary the drive home with your new born would be. And we have to battle Dallas traffic on a Friday afternoon. Not the best scenario. Did you know that the crazies are out then? Yes midday drivers may seem like innocent and law abiding citizens, but don't let their normal appearance fool you. This could turn into a scene from Speed at any moment. I don't know how many times I gave "the stare" to innocent old ladies for just being in the lane next to us. Yeah that'll teach 'em to drive next to us! Ha! I'm not even going to mention the amount of times I gasped in horror and slammed on my imaginary brake (yeah, I'll warn you now that happened a lot) because traffic was slowing down 10 miles ahead. I mean you can never be to prepared to stop. I quickly learned that shrieking in fear is the best and fastest way to get my husband to hit the brakes. It's definitely isn't the happiest way or the gentlest. He doesn't like the over dramatic shrieking much. I was just trying to help...I mean what if his eyes can't see that far and BAM we are in the persons backseat in front of us. It's called being a smart and cautious drive...errr...I mean passenger. Look I'm just trying to be a good parent and get our son home alive, don't judge me. OK...so he doesn't like the gasping and shrieking. Fine. Fair enough. I will stop. So the next gradual choice was to flinch and grab the door handle until my knuckles were white while pushing my imaginary break. Oh and stop breathing. I'm beginning to do that really well. I am also turning around every 3 seconds to see if he is still breathing. I don't know why I think he would just stop on the ride home but it's better to be safe than sorry right? I'm not gonna lie...my neck hurt the next day. I probably just slept (sleep? haha! I meant laid awake) on it wrong...there is no way it could have been becasue I turned aroud 863845 times on the way home to see if he was still back there. Where was he gonna go? I don't know. But I became a really good checker upper.

After the longest drive home of my life (1.5 hours) we made it home. I wanted kiss the ground when we got out of the car. I didn't though b/c that would have been really unsanitary. I'm all about hygiene. I hear that is a good mom quality so I can check that one off the really long list. :)

Bringing our sweet baby boy into our home for the first time was indescribable...but I will try. First I felt a wave of tears coming on and I just bust out crying. Like the full blown ugly cry. I was crying for several different reasons 1. B/c our son was finally home 2. B/c I was coming down off that ridiculously never wracking drive home and 3. b/c I was so sad for T. I was bringing home a baby and she was going home empty handed. I'm not going to lie. It was tough for me. I had extreme feelings of guilt. To the point where it took me more than a week to fully bond with my son. I seriously felt like I taken her baby. The guilt was suffocating me and I felt like I couldn't breathe. That's the real raw honest ugly truth. That is not something that I expected to struggle with so it caught me totally off guard. I guess it was b/c I knew that T, was grieving her son. I love T, so that rocked me to the core. I'm one of those people that if you are hurting, I hurt with you. So I found myself taking on T's grief. Not healthy. Here I was holding my precious baby boy that I prayed for, for so long and I finally had him in my arms and in our home and I couldn't allow my self to fully bond with him b/c I let the guilt consume me. Obviously that wasn't healthy for me, Zaden or Gerald. So I needed to snap out of it get past this feeling. T, wouldn't want me to feel that way.  So, I prayed and prayed to God to help me. The phone calls with my Mom telling me to stand in my power as his mother really helped. She really coached me along on how to be strong. She is an amazing life coach and mother. I am so blessed. (Shameless plug: If you are are in need of a life coach check her out at www.awakeningslifecoaching.com ). My sister was a tremendous help as well. She would call and check on me everyday and she would tell me her advice and stories and we would laugh a lot! Laugher is the best medicine and it has to be true b/c we are like never sick! It's so funny how God works...my sister has always come to me for advice being that I am the older one and now here I am coming to my little sister for mother/parenting advice. I couldn't think of a better woman to go to and wouldn't want it any other way! She helped me feel like I wasn't a crazy woman. Being that she is nuts really helped. Haha! J/K sis! You know I love you. (Seriously....she is cray cray). I also really leaned on my husband for emotional support. He was so amazing to me AND to Zaden. Seeing him become a father was one of the most amazing things to ever witness. I love him so much more...I didn't even know that was possible! So with God's help and my mothers, sisters and husbands help, I was finally able to let the guilt go. Then once it was gone the most beautiful and overwhelming feeling of love just entered my heart for Zaden. That feeling that I had been waiting to feel just came and it came freely! It was an amazing moment. One that I will never forget. I cried tears of joy and just held my son. I finally knew he was mine. I was a mother. I could finally breathe.