Our Journey. (Part 1)

My goodness did my husband and I have one heck of an adoption journey. But now it's a testimony. :)

I want to start out by saying that our journey is NOT a typical journey what so ever. So if you are considering adoption, I can almost assure you that you wont go through as much as we did. :) 

A little background...I suffer from PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). So it makes it very difficult to get pregnant and lose weight. It's not impossible to do those things...but very difficult. Gerald and I have been married 9 years now. We met in 2001 through mutual friends and married in 2003. We always knew that we wanted children, we just didn't know how difficult that would be. I will save my PCOS journey for another blog entry. After much prayer and discussion and tears we decided to forgo fertility treatments and adopt. We both felt that God calling us to adoption. That decision didn't come lightly. At first I felt broken, less of woman. I felt that I didn't work. I mean after all God DESIGNED us to be fruitful and multiply. I felt that I was letting my husband down, my parents down and his parents down. I wanted SO badly to provide my husband a child. I want to give my parents and his parents a grandchild. But biologically that just wasn't the plan for us. I had a moment or two or three of self pity and then I got over it and got God. I finally started to realize that I was special. I was hand picked to love a child that God would hand pick for me! How cool is that?!? Adoption is not for everyone. It's not for the faint of heart. It's hard and emotional. The paper work is SO time consuming. The waiting is excruciating. The wondering is heart wrenching. But the end result is nothing short of amazing. As hard as all of it was, I would go through it 10x over again just to have our precious little son, Zaden. 

OK...so here we go:

We signed up with our adoption agency in November of 2010. After all the paper work and the home study we were finally done and eligible for our profile to be viewed by potential birthmothers at the end of March 2011. The process to get approved is tedious to say the least. But I wouldn't change the process one bit. You actually learn a lot about yourself and your spouse in the process. So finally in March our profile is active! Woo hoo! OK, now time to hurry up and wait. Haha! We are with a wonderful Christian agency called Generations Adoptions. They are fantastic and always help us with any questions we may have. They are also phenomenal with the birthmothers. 

I wish I could tell you that our journey has been easy and full of joy, but it hasn’t. We have had 5 failed matches/placements. This journey has been so full of joy and heartbreak.

We tried the private adoption route before we went through an agency. A friend of a friend was pregnant and was wanting to place her baby for adoption. The whole time we are told that we are the family and that all is good. Then their lawyer contacts us and has us fill out an extensive questionaire. It was LONG but it was worth it. He then contacts us to let us know that the parents love us. Then he tells us that we need to pay $30,000 by September. This was in July. Uhhh where were we going to get $30,000 in 2 months. We were honest and said we didn’t have that kind of money but we could probably come up with it. We NEVER heard anything back. So I contacted the lawyer and got the coldest response. Basically it said “Sorry the family chose another family.” We then found out later that over 30 families were in the mix. We just felt lied to and betrayed. We wanted to give up. This was to hard. I did NOT like the feeling of rejection. Ugh. It's the worst. But after a few weeks or so we started talking about adoption again. So we said that we would pray about it and wait to hear from God. We definitely decided that if it was the route we were to take we would go through an agency. So one Saturday evening we are praying for a sign from God. We ask Him to show us what He wants us to do. Is adoption for us? The very next morning when we walked in the doors at church there was a booth for Generations Adoptions! We both looked at each other like "Really?" Haha! Umm a sign from God? I think yes! :D 

So we gather information and ask a few questions from the girl at the booth. We don’t sign up right away b/c frankly we are nervous. I mean this is a big step! Not only would it be life changing, but a challenge financially as well. One great thing about the agency is that it has a flat fee. If the adoption doesn't go through no money is lost and it just goes toward the next adoption. So we pray about it and talk about it and a couple of months later we finally contact the agency and start the application process. 

So while we are in the application process we are chosen by a young teenage birth mother very early into her pregnancy (December of 2010). But she wasn’t through the agency b/c we weren’t able to be shown to birthmothers at this point b/c we hadn't finished our extensive paperwork. She was a BYOB (bring your own birthmom LOL! Cute right?) through another friend. Even though she was brought to us by a friend we still choose to have her go through the agency b/c it protects us and her. The agency would meet with her and counsel her and make sure this is the decision that she really wants to make.  Well we got to meet this young mother and get to know her, we went bowling and to dinner and things like that. She shared her ultra sounds with me. He was a boy. We were getting pretty excited. We were pretty sure this was going to happen b/c the baby was bi-racial and her father wasn't really supportive of that. Her mother was supportive either way. She met with her adoption caseworker often. All was going well until about 6 months (we had known her about 3 months) into her pregnancy she changed her mind and chose to parent.  We were SO sad. But we also understood that she wanted to be a parent to her son. How can we blame her? Placing your child is the hardest thing in the world. So we continued to pray for her and her son. Sometimes God puts people in your life just so you can pray for them. We believe that is why she was in our lives. We still keep up through FaceBook. She gave birth to her son in late July. He is a beautiful baby boy and she is doing really well. We are very happy for her.

So it’s April of 2011 and we are finally active! BM’s and BF’s can view our profile. HOLLA!!!! 

In May 2011 we get a call saying that we have been chosen! I was SO excited. But to our surprise this was another BYOB situation. A friend of mine (who is a teacher) had been talking to this girl about her options and adoption came up. They talked about it for months and with about 2 months left before she was to give birth, she finally settled on adoption. Our friend gave her our adoption agency information. (she didn’t want to tell us first incase the girl changed her mind) She called the agency and said she wants us! She was due in July with a baby boy.  We communicated often! All was going well until one day I just stopped hearing from her. So I called our friend and she said she hasn’t been in school and she would call and check on her. She didn’t get a hold of her. Well she finally text me back and told me that she had been in a car accident with her mother. Her mother didn’t survive but she and the baby were ok.  She then told me after what has happened she couldn’t part with her baby. She said she was so sorry. I was SO sad for her. I told her that I totally understood. I asked her what hospital she was at and what room so that I could send her something. She said that she is fine and doesn’t need anything and wouldn’t give me any info. I thought it was weird. So I called my friend to let her know what was going on and so she could check on her student. She freaked out and was right on it. She said she hadn't heard a single thing about it and she thought that was weird. So she called her house to check on her and her mother picked up. Her mother was not dead at all and there was never an accident. The whole thing was a lie!!!! I was so hurt. I mean all she had to do was say she didn’t want to place her baby and would like to parent. We would have totally understood that. But instead she chose a horrible lie. I guess she thought that would be easier than telling us the truth. It made it harder. But we realized that she is a very young girl and she just didn't know how to handle the situation. She definitely went about it the wrong way, but we hope that she learned a valuable lesson. We continued to pray for her. We hope that she and her son are doing well. 

So a few months later our agency emails us about a high risk situation. We go over it and pray about it and we agree to it. She said that other families did too and they would be in touch with us. Well the family adores us and another family. They need our link to view our profile on line b/c the BM and her family can’t come to the agency to get our printed scrapbooks. So we submit it. We are excited!! We find a few days later they chose the other family. That was hard. We felt like we weren’t good enough. We felt rejected again. Yet at the same time we were SO happy for the other family. The other family wanted what we wanted and they were finally going to become parents! That is awesome!! We were so happy for them. 

So fast forward to Thanksgiving. We got the BEST news of our lives that day (well the day before). Our agency said that we were picked not only by one BM but 2!!! WOOO HOOO!! BM #1 is due sometime in late December. She is actually living in Amarillo and working with another agency. She didn’t like any profiles that she was shown there so that agency contacted ours and we were the only profile she likes and she wants US! There is a catch though. The birth father says he wants to parent. They believe it is all talk. But b/c he has said that, after the baby is born it will go with a transition family for 32 days. Basically foster care b/c they have to wait to see if the father files for his rights. The state of Texas requires them to do so in 31 days, if he doesn’t file then the child is ours. We don’t know the sex or race. We do know that the mom is white and the dad is Hispanic.

BM #2 is due ANY DAY NOW. She is dilated to a 3. She has a doctor appt that Monday if she hasn’t had the baby by then. At her appt they will check her progress and set a date to induce they are looking at 12/9. She chose Gerald and I and we are so excited! We are supposed to meet her Monday or Tuesday that next week after Thanksgiving if she hasn’t had the baby yet. Obviously if she has the baby before then we will meet her at the hospital. I was a nervous wreck! If she changes her mind it feels good to have another BM that wants us. Oh and this BM was another BYOB! LOL!!! CRAZY!!! She had heard about us through a friend of ours sister. Crazy small world. We were feeling pretty hopeful. Having been chosen by 2 birthmothers at once was exciting!
The reason we were chosen by two is b/c the other agency forwarded the first BM to our agency and they showed her our profile. Well being that she chose us, our profile would not be shown again. However being that BM#2 was a BYOB they had no choice over her picking us. That has NEVER EVER happened in the HISTORY of the agency!! LOL!! Leave it up to us. Haha!

So a few days after Thanksgiving, I am feeling uneasy about BM#2. I can’t explain it…but I just feel in my heart that BM#2 is not going to work out. So I call my husband and he feels the EXACT same way. So we call the agency and we said we are going to go with BM#1.  We know that BM#2 chose us and she says she is 100% sure…but we don’t feel she is. The agency asks us if we are sure. We say yes. They said OK, they will tell her when she calls. She never called. I found out through my friend that she had her baby boy and chose to parent him. God sure does give us discernment.

So BM#1 it is. We are excited. We feel confident. The BM is excited b/c she loves us. We are a little nervous because the BF is not 100% on board. He was absent the whole pregnancy and she kept him out of the loop. She told him early on that she was choosing adoption and that if he had a problem with it to get a lawyer. Well loooong story shirt he did. The day before she was induced and we were to drive to go get our daughter, he chose to parent. This was the week before Christmas. We were DEVASTATED. This was the hardest to handle. I guess because we were thisclose to being parents. I felt wrecked and like I was never going to be a mom. I didn't understand why we had to go through so much heartache and loss. I knew this process wasn't going to be easy, but I never thought it would be this hard. I never once said this isn't fair. Because our God never promised a fair life. But He does keep His promises and we know that adoption was a promise. We knew it would happen. We just didn't know when. 

A lot of people thought that we should take a break or give up. We didn't though. We didn't want to miss out on what God had in store for us. We aren't the ones in control, God is. So if we put a halt to the process we would have been taking control. We were on a journey. Sure our road was windy and bumpy and full of ups and downs...but it was leading us somewhere. 

Some people even told me that I need to stop putting my heart into every possibility. But how could I not? This was a process full of love and hope and life. It's an emotional process and my heart was in it. I was either going to be all in or out and I chose in. I appreciated peoples concern and advice because I know they were hurting for us and with us. We were an open book through out our journey.  

So here we are a little over a year later from starting the process (with the agency), and we still don’t have a baby. But we know that our journey is teaching us SO much. It has definitely made us stronger in our marriage and in our faith. We love and adore our Lord. We trust Him and we know that this will all make sense as soon as we bring our precious baby home.

In February of 2012 we get an email from the agency. Here is what it says: 

"Dear families,

An agency in DFW area called and has an AA birthmom who is having a boy on March 21. They need more families to show her. She is from a good family and they are supportive. No drugs, no alcohol, no smoking, no emotional or criminal issues. The birthfather does not care and they are serving him to terminate his rights (they expect no problem, he wont respond).
The birthmom would like an open adoption and has requested three visits a year. One could be at their agency’s annual family picnic. The others could be divided between your city, hers, or in between.
The fees will just be the same as ours. You pay Generations and we split the fee with them.

If you are interested in being shown and open to the visits, let me know. You could email me a scanned color copy of your profile front and back as well as a link to your book if you created online or color copies scanned of your scrapbook that I can email them. (this is a good thing to keep on hand for times when another agency needs a family to show. )

Just let me know.

Cathy"

 That was fine with us, so we said sure! Show our profile. We knew that she would have a bunch of profiles to choose from, so we didn't think much of it. The next week we got a call saying that she had narrowed it down to two families and we were one of them. Uh oh. De ja vu. Been there, done that. Only this time she wanted to meet with both families in person. That actually excited us b/c she would actually get to see who we are in person and not just on paper. 

To be continued....